The Maltese Falcon


This is how Humphrey Bogart should look in every movie. None of this alcoholic steam boat captain, crazy poor man thing. For me, the emotionally detached, suit wearing, scotch sipping Bogart is it.

So basically, The Maltese Falcon is a film noir (the whole crime solving, low key lighting, femme fatale thing) about detective Sam Spade (played by Bogart) who is trying to locate the Maltese Falcon after his partner is murdered. And of course there is the beautiful woman who just needs his help so desperately, but you don’t know if you can trust her, but apparently that doesn’t matter with a plunging neck line.

The movie is so film noir it hurts, which makes sense because it is considered to be one of the first film noirs ever. I’m just going to assume that the genre couldn’t be created until Humphrey Bogart was born. Bogart was actually such a complete bad ass in this movie. He actually bitched slapped everyone and then says

Oh my God he is such a man

And then that guy with the crazy eyes tries to pull a fast one on Humphrey Bogart with a gun, and he’s all like “bitch please” (well he didn’t actually say that, but that’s totally what he meant).

Usually I am all for the couple to get together, it’s like the best part of the movie. But the bitch femme fatale in this movie doesn’t deserve any love. She nothing but lie to Bogart for the entire movie, and then tells him that she loves him, and expects him to basically rescue her. But it’s all good cause Bogart totally sees right through her, and it makes me so happy.

And then there is this guy


Who actually makes the strangest faces I have ever seen, I don’t even know what kind of emotion he is trying to get across. Happy? Sad? Worried? Please move your face in a human way sir.

It’s hard not to love of movie with all the twists and turns, and all the fabulously cheesy detective talk, oh and Humphrey Bogart, in case you didn’t know he was in this movie. It’s basically the epitome of film noir, and film noirs are wonderful to begin with.

Rating: 5 out 5 times a character got slapped by Humphrey Bogart and liked it


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